Uncovering the Truth

Lately, I've been doing a lot of things in order to keep from feeling guilt. It wasn't until I left my home for a week long vacation that I did some reflecting. One of the reasons of why I've complied so much to make others happy is because I would fear the sharp reprimands and/or the rejection from other people. If I didn't do something that is popularly seen as right or moral, I would have to face the pain of the backlash. Well, I just had an epiphany...

Life is all about living, loving, and learning. Throughout my journey, people are going to have their own opinions about me, but at the end of the day I only have to answer to two beings: God and myself. I think as people, we are always going to judge other people's lives and how they want to live them, even though we shouldn't. I do it myself. As a matter of fact, I think more than half of the world is living their lives for other people rather than for  themselves. I think that it's selfish of other people to put their own expectations on others. Yet, I do this too. Why do we do that? Anyway, I'm getting off track. My main point is, I just want to live my life for me. As long as I'm living a happy and healthy life, there shouldn't be any complaints. But I find myself questioning my every move and thought because I fear other people's opinions. I've been like that since I was little. I'm 23 now. Granted, there are some things that run so deep into the moral fiber of our society that can not be argued against--like rape, murder, and incest. But I'm talking about the things that are unique to us all such as how we view the world and how we perceive things through our minds. A lot of us just want to be free to create our lives the way we want to create them. We want to utilize our natural gifts and talents rather than force out talents that weren't there to begin with (all for the sake of pleasing our family and/or friends).

I know in my heart that I am a writer and a free spirit. I've known this for as long as I can remember. But I could never picture myself in the discipline that I'm in now during my kid years. I've always wanted to do things that involved drawing, dressing up, dancing to music, or being in plays. But I've never pursued them. When I was in the eighth grade, I made good grades in math, science, and other subjects (I was even better at English).  I figured that since doing well in math and science meant that I was "smart" according to others, I could be an engineer or a scientist. Thus began my journey on the path towards self-discovery. Looking back on this now, I did well in math and science because I worked hard in school. I did my homework and I studied for tests, but neither the raw interest nor natural talent was there. I have either lied to myself or developed an over inflated ego (or both).

What ultimately propelled me into the sciences was talking to my father when I was still a young teenager. We went for a walk one day. After I expressed my interest in biochemistry (really not knowing what that was back then or what it entailed, I just thought it sounded cool), he smiled and said "Wouldn't it be wonderful if you found a cure for AIDS?" as he looked towards me with pride in his eyes. After that, I felt pride too. Then, I suddenly felt I had a responsibility to make my family proud. Even to this day. I'm just now beginning to realize that peace of mind is the most important possession that  person can ever have. Becoming somebody that I'm not isn't peace of mind. I live with worry and constant reminders of on coming failures every day. Where I'm at, I know that it's something that I can be good in--but I will never be great. Should I even put myself down like that?? Sorry, but it's the truth. Or is it? I don't know. Maybe I'm just not feeling that confident today. I miss the days when I can be creative and be me. Science doesn't allow me to do that...at least not in the way I'm talking about. Most of the time, I think that I've come too far to back down and turn a whole new leaf. I think that it would be foolish of me and a waste of my time and other's.

Right now, I think I'm just going to do what I've always been known to do when I was in middle school and high school--just work hard and study the discipline. Maybe once I immerse myself in it more, I'll learn to love it (trying to stay positive). But if I could go back and talk to the younger Jackie, I would say to her "I know this will be hard for you to understand, but you're an artist and a writer, not a scientist". But I think that I would just ignore me and continue on the same path. Sadly.