31 and Childless. Why Motherhood Scares Me.

I was 10 years old when I decided to not become a mother until age 30. By then I projected that I was going to have house, be married, and make a ton of money. Well, I'm 31. And I make a decent salary; not 6 figures but I'm financially comfortable. I'm still working on getting the house and the husband (that's another blog post).

I am 31 and childless by choice. Besides my personal beliefs and family upbringing that has influenced my decision up to this point, I am childless because I am terrified of motherhood. It was always a looming shadow above me during adolescence, as if it was expected of me to eventually give birth to offspring. Society was telling me "You're a girl. Of course you'll have children one day" but I don't particularly remember being absolutely thrilled about the thought of having children. Like...ever.

When I was 14, I excelled in school and was chosen to enroll in a day camp at the University of Maryland for future women engineers. I was sitting among my fellow, middle school aged peers in a small auditorium. We were powering light bulbs with lemon batteries and learning how to implement Newton's laws while designing different "roller coasters". One of the instructors got up in the middle of the auditorium and gleefully said "I'm an engineer, a teacher, and a mom. You all will be engineers and have families too!" I and the girl sitting next to me stared at each other and laughed. I distinctly remember saying "I'm never having kids!". School meant more to me. Having an exciting career that I absolutely loved meant more to me. Success meant more to me. Money meant more to me and I couldn't wait to one day manifest it all.

Even in college, I've dated men who wanted kids. One guy told me that I'd eventually change my mind. I stopped seeing him. As far as another guy that I was dating, I later told him that I had no interest in having children. Needless to say, he moved on. I was a sophomore in college, feeling sexually liberated for the first time, and still trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted for my future. Children were the furthest thing from my mind and I felt that it always would be.

Fast forward to today, I've been on countless dates between my early and mid twenties and have entered into a long term relationship. I've religiously used condoms during my dating era and plan b's when birth control wasn't in the picture. Even took pregnancy tests just to be certain that I wasn't pregnant if my period didn't come soon enough. Not to mention, having an irregular menstrual cycle never helped ease my anxiety at all.

Point 1: The thought of becoming pregnant, to me, is not a good trade off. 

Pregnancy looks painful. The entirety of it seems like gut wrenching torture mixed with only a pinprick of good times. What exactly is so blissfully attractive about going through nine whole months of having my body becoming gradually distorted and swollen to the point of puffy ankles and a bad back? And the vomiting. Some pregnant women don't at all. But some women are lucky to have Hyperemesis Gravidarum (extreme nausea and vomiting during pregnancy) everyday for the entire 9 months. What if my pregnancy causes me to become one of those "lucky" women? To chance it, I'd rather not. In fact, getting shot sounds better.

Maybe all of that plus going through the painful birthing process is a labor of love. And perhaps it's a love that's strong enough to want to do it again and again (like most women do). But to me, it doesn't sound worth it. There's not a large enough reward of oxytocin in the world.

Point 2: Motherhood never ends. It keeps going till death. Is that really something I want?

Once the kid is here. It's here. I would be stuck with the role of Mother for as long as I live (the exception being a closed adoption). No matter how tired, drained, sick, exhausted, stressed, depressed, or over worked I feel, I would still have to mother 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. It's absolute, endless mothering. No wonder society has to trick girls into wanting that role by giving us cute and innocent looking dolls and toys geared towards becoming and being maternal. It's utter brainwashing in my opinion. Otherwise, what reason would there be for us to continue the human race? In reality, it doesn't look fun. It isn't fun (for the most part). But society has to make it look fun, interesting, fulfilling, and even go as far as telling women that they're less valuable if they don't do it.

Point 3: What if I'm not exactly, "mother" material?

Here's is a hard truth that I'm willing to face now. Kids just aren't into me. I don't know how to make a baby laugh or let alone hold one properly. The first time I ever changed a diaper was a diabolical disaster. I am AWKWARD AS HELL around babies and kids. I don't really know how to talk to them, entertain them, be stern with them when need be. Maybe it's because I simply...don't have that magic with kids like a lot of people do (or at least it seems that way). I'm robotic. Stoic. Taciturn. Clueless. I wish I was different. I wish I knew how to be that woman who's the ideal future mom. However, I'm not. And to be perfectly honest, I still wonder to myself if that's just who I'm meant to be or if it's something that I have to get over.

Motherhood scares the living shit out of me. I've watched the women in my life do it and I've seen how thankless it is. Do I want to sign up for that? Or should I just stick to being child free and continue doing my own thing? However, as much as I'm feeling that I don't want that way of life, on some days I also feel like this is something that I do want to experience deep down. Having a nuclear family with  my future husband is something that I often think about. But is it something that I can realistically devote my all to? The answer...I have no idea.