Here I am at my job at 1 o' clock in the morning. Right now, my duties in the lab have allowed me to stay over night (keeping watch of bacteria as they rapidly multiply in a 14-16 hour span...ugh...). As I sit here thinking about my devouted duties as a student, I'm finding that my mind drifts back into the past; bringing up my previous relationship with a man that I met in college. Since graduation, we have broken up due to distance and living out our separate lives. However, there is still a little bit of remorse remaining; like a faint ketchup stain that refused to come out after a wash. This May, I wanted travel in order to see him again. BUT I know that I have obligations here. I'm single (and loving it...mostly), no kids, independent (mostly), working, and going to school. Right now, I'm trying to save up money and education for future necesities and investments that I can sew into my life. I made up my mind that a steady relationship with somebody in the beginning of my transitional period will not beneficial for me.
But what IF he's the one??
I had to shake myself a few times and smell the hot, brewing coffee. If he's indeed the one, I believe the universe will find a way to draw us closer again in the future. But if not, I don't really see the reason in trying to make it work. He is a loving man. But is it wrong if I say that I'm not ready to love him back with my whole heart? There was a period where I felt that we would be inseparable. We were in college...what can I say? Or rather, need I say more? But after the undergraduate phase and moving out on my own, I saw that we were going in different directions and we had different goals and mind sets. I feel bad for typing this, but in a short amount of time, the desire to hold on tight to a relationship that had little promise started to fade. I found myself becoming more distant romantically towards my lover and being more honest and upfront about my feelings and desire to just be "friends". Then again, maybe our relationship could have promise, but my desire to let it go was stronger.
Am I in love with someone else? No.
Do I want to fall madly in love again? Yes. Do I know when it would happen? No. I'll let God/the universe/my destiny decide for me my potential suitor this time. The next time around, I not only want to be deeply in love with somebody, but I also want to be mature spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. This time I wont rush into a relationship. I'll wait...patiently and keep myself occupied until then. I have also made a vow of celibacy to myself (more on this matter in an upcoming blog). So far, I learned the importance of knowing thyself before getting involved with another person. Thus between the heart and the mind, I believe that this time, the mind wins.
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