In highschool or junior high, most of us wanted to be liked, adored, and accepted by the peers around us. We would spend extra time in the mirror, trying on makeup for the first time in order to make ourselves feel and look more attractive to the boys that we craved admiration from. Many times, these were the same boys who lounged around in the school hallways, got in trouble, and who didn't do anything with their time. But we didn't care. They were boys and their opinion of us mattered.
In the seventh grade, I remember taking red lipstick one morning and smearing it all over my lips. As if that wasn't enough, to give them shine I put a good amount of vaseline on top of the red paint. In addition, I also experimented with mascara (got a good picture in your mind yet?). As one may imagine, my skill with cosmetics was a disaster (even to this day). But I did it all for the sake of getting, "Wow! You look so sexy." or "You're very beautiful" or "You're the most gorgeous woman (girl) that I've ever laid my eyes on!". Those were the words that we wanted to hear because at the time, we convinced our young selves that physical attraction and getting male admiration for our face and bodies were all that mattered.
Fast forward a decade or so, we find ourselves still struggling to remember that we are not just our bodies, but our minds, soul, and nature as well. We already know that there is more to us than the beauty of our breasts and the definition of our curves. We are talented, strong, dedicated, educated, and spiritual human beings yet for many of us, we still fall into the iron claws of low self-esteem. We victimize ourselves; crying out for love, attention, and acceptance by staying in unhealthy relationships with men and invitingly flaunting our bodies in not only revealing our midsection and thighs, but our wounded hearts as well. We know better, yet why do we continue to do this to ourselves? I ask this question while looking in the mirror almost everyday.
I see a beautiful person--both physically and within. I may not be perfection according to society's standards, but I admire my smile, shoulders, skin tone, legs, arms, back, hair, and stomach. I admire my intelligence, dedication, compassion, empathy, eclecticism, the grace in my walk (especially when I'm wearing heels), and open mindedness. Yet, I found myself in a relationship with a man becuase I solely needed the comfort of his words, "You are beautiful". But at the price of what? I took provocative photos and sent them to him, wore sexy clothing in order to keep him from finding interest in other women, and stayed in the relationship even though I knew that we were not meant for each other. The theme of the relationship was sex and being sexy to him. That was it. That's all I felt. I knew deep down that there was more than one component to me than just a pleasure toy, and I wanted to see what else I had to offer myself. So, I called off the relationship.
Even after my relationship ended and I became single again, I struggled with the possibility of being single long term. Once again, I felt like a thirteen year old girl; feeling awkward and out of place. I began thinking, "What if nobody notices me or tells me that I am beautiful? What if I'm not attractive enough? Who will ask me out?" And me currently living in a predominantly white area made my thoughts hurt that much more. "A man is not going to want me here; most white men hate black women." I was amazed on the amount of energy I spent on trying to attract another man on a physical level and if I wasn't actually trying to do that, I was thinking about it--constantly. Where ever I would walk in public I would think "If only I looked a little more appealing today, a man would stare in my direction." Wounds are powerful.
Women who subject themselves to emotional pain have wounds. Women who feel the need to emphasize their bodies to the extreme for the attention of the opposite sex have wounds. Women who stay in unhealthy relationships with men have wounds. And honestly, I came to the realization that we as women are willing to undermine ourselves in exchange for "love" or admiration. But to subject oneself to emotional pain is not admirable. To open up the privacy of our bodies is not admirable. To stay in a relationship that is damaging is not admirable. So why do we do this? I beleive that a part of us just wants to be appreciated, but we emphasize that want in the wrong ways. Instead of with our minds and our souls, we automatically revert to biology--which is to sexually attract a potential mate for the purpose of reproduction. This is somthing that is innate and instinctual (I presume), but what we really want is somebody to notice the nature of us that is unseen--which is the beauty of us for just being ourselves. But this does not come from the outside, but from within our core.
Women are the only ones, of all other animal species that are equipped to birth progeny, that are generally not comfortable within themselves for just being what God and nature created them to be. Of course other animals may choose their mate based on phenotype (physical traits), but that is for the sole purpose of species survival and passing on genes that will produce progeny that will be able to live and reproduce themselves within their particular habitat. We are different because:
A) Humans are one species no matter the ethnicity.
B) Beauty is highly subjective between cultures.
C) We have genetic variability thus decreasing our need to pick and choose our mate based on physical characteristics alone.
D) We don't just rely on instincts but also emotion, logic, and imagination.
We are more special and rare than what we give ourselves credit for. And to undermine ourselves, would be one of the biggest tragedies that we could ever experience.
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