Wow. I didn't think that I had it in me. I actually have the capability of hurting other individuals, and doing it on purpose. I didn't think that I could be that mean or heartless. Worst of all, I don't feel much remorse--even though I should.
Ever since my ex-boyfriend and I agreed to just remain on "friend" status, my relationship with him has changed for the better. Though we're no longer romantically involved, I can call him up during late nights or throughout the day, we can openly talk about anything, and he's basically one of the closest confidants that I have. However, that comes with both advantages and disadvantages. I've already listed some of the advantages. One of the disadvantages is getting too comfortable around a person that one claims to love and respect, but through actions, reveal the exact opposite.
Despite having a good day, my evening has taken a brief, sour turn when I missed the last bus from work to my next destination--home. It was my fault for losing track of time. Mind you, I don't have a vehicle of my own yet nor did I bring my bike to peddal myself back to my cosey apartment. Between work and home, I believe there's approximately 2-3 miles in between. I've walked back and forth to work plenty of times whenever I had the energy and the motivation. Today, I did not. I was irritable, hungry (since I willingly haven't eaten anything all day), and uncomfortable in my attire which I wanted to just rip off. The thought of walking long distance has not crossed my mind at all today, because I did not intend on doing so! I had no other choice but to do just that--and I was furious.
Like a little spoiled brat, drama queen, princess I moaned, cried, and blurtted out all kinds of profanity to myself (hoping that no one could hear me) while I stompped and tread on gravel on one side of the main road. Cars zoomed past and I was angry at the fact that I wasn't in one of them; a carriage to easily take me away from my horrible punishment. I desperately needed to vent off my petty frustrations that stemmed from missing my ride, not having any transportation of my own, having to walk back--again--from work, being tired, borderline starving, and all of the above. First, I called up a friend to schedule an appointment for the DMV; so I can become a licensed driver (Today was absolutely my breaking point). Second, I called my ex-boyfriend. He picked up the phone and graciously gave me a warm "Hello". I was silent and then I let him have it. I complained and went on and on about my situation and my irritability. He then tries to talk to me about something completely different, as if to get my mind off of my current frustrations (like a good friend would). The nerve of him! I wanted him to get mad--no--as angry and pissed off as I was. I wanted us to verbally FIGHT. I needed something or somebody to take my frustrations out on. There were no walls for me to punch or paper to rip. I had nothing but the other person over the phone.
"If I could, I'd pick you up and drive you over here so you can taste some this smoothie I made." He cheers. WWWTTTFFF???? There were three things in that sentence that drove me over the edge:
1) You live in a different state.
2) I am famished. And you mention smoothies?
3) What are you doing being in good mood while I'm having a mood swing?
So the next thing I did was literally hang up the phone on him, right after I told him to shut-up. That in itself had consequences because he was mad at me for most of the evening afterwards.
Eventually I made it home. Tired as hell and not wanting to talk to anybody. But the theme of this pointless story is, I learned that even I can be a b*&^%. The good news is that it doesn't happen very often.
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