There's more that I can do as a single person right now than to be in a relationship. Relationships are beautiful, when done right. They are also hard and can be time consuming. Depending on the person, it takes at least 6 months to get over a previous lover or mate after the union has disseminated. For me, it has only been a month. I still have five more months to go in order to qualify as officially done with the other person (physically and emotionally). What I REFUSE to do is jump into another person's arms when I have yet to heal or get over my previous relationship. That is the worst mistake that I could ever make...well, at least one of them.
When my boyfriend, of almost 2 years, and I agreed to call it quits I constantly went back and forth--thinking that I was making a mistake. Even when we agreed to just be friends, I would often cross the lines of just being his friend and his lover. We went to college together, but then I moved away to another state. We now live 6-7 hours away from one another and frequent visits are near impossible. However, everyday we talk on the phone. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and how he wants us to make a life together. In addition, I would tell him my plans for us to move in together while/after I complete my studies and while he works--maybe eventually get engaged. Then, I would get the reality check. We're hours away from one another and the odds of me moving back down south or him up north are extremely slim because of individual reasons. We're literally living two separate lives. Perhaps with time and if we tried hard enough, things could work. But maybe deep down, I don't want them to. I just want to let "us" go and nurture myself into a whole, single person. And of course, I want him to move on and be happy with someone else.
Just today, I realized that maybe I am not completely detached from him yet. And it was because I selfishly didn't want to let him go. So, I had to straighten out and adjust some of the boundaries. I also had to re-emphasize to him (and myself) that he and I are really JUST FRIENDS. No planning a solid future together, no wedding, no family, or anymore of that good stuff. I just wanted him to call me whenever he needs me and I call him if I needed the same.
After just one month of being single, I don't feel so bad for being a little shaky with making my transition after so many years of romanticizing love, sex, and having a significant other. I'm not going to lie, being single can be hard. Especially when it seems like everyone around you is getting engaged, getting married, having babies, or falling in love. And let me just say that at this time in my life, I will not look to get into another relationship. I'm going to choose to be satisfied with where I'm at and to just work on fixing a few things in my life. I'm going to let God decide the right time and I believe that He'll show me eventually. But for right now, I'm focused on being patient, being whole, being me, and letting go.
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