I've recently come out of a serious relationship that lasted 2 1/2 years. Overall, it was a good relationship that taught me hard lessons as well as good ones. The relationship taught me more about myself and what I really want and don't want in a future mate. In addition, I am equally confidant that my ex has learned more about himself and what he wanted or didn't want in a future mate. However, our relationship ended for a reason and we both decided to continue with our lives as separate individuals pursuing our dreams. Since then, I've been conversing with other men with different backgrounds and life stories in order to get a newer sense of the "dating market". Long story short, upon talking to a few of these men, red flags were very clear and obvious and without hesitation, I stopped and kept it moving. If I was the same Jacqueline in my teen years or even as late as 20 or 21, I would've ignored some of those red flags and would've gotten hurt in the end. I thank God that the decisions that I made in the past didn't sacrifice my health, my life, or the things that I was striving to do in my life. However, my self-esteem was sacrificed in addition to my spiritual life. And without high self-esteem, women especially are prone to make really bad decisions that could negatively alter their life path for years if not forever. Thus if we really loved ourselves as women, we would be more receptive to signs that could harm our well being and we would do whatever we need to do in order to protect ourselves from hurt.
You do not have to settle! One of the ways in which one can live life with less drama is to recognize your worth as a beautiful woman (inside and out) that is bountiful with glorious feminine energy (okay...and a weee tad of masculine energy). We are the goddesses of our destiny and if we don't see or treat ourselves as goddesses, then how will we be given respect by the men that we choose to share our lives with? FACT: Do not have his baby unless he is ready to make the BIG decision to conjoin his life with yours (both spiritually and legally through marriage). Just because a man says he wants you to "carry his child" or "have his baby" does not mean that he truly respects, loves, and cherishes you as a woman. He is only in lust and looking for sexual gratification. Don't fall for it! Make him wear that condom, take birth control pills, use other reliable contraceptives, tell him that you're celibate, and/or that you're waiting until marriage. A man who truly appreciates your worth will not borrow your body in order to glorify sex, but will dig deep into your heart and seek God for guidance on how to take care of a future wife and family.
Build your own "castle" before you look for his. There are a lot of women who are looking for men to rescue them from two main things: Financial burdens and emotional pain or baggage. I get it. Life can really suck at times. It's hard to go back to school, to find a job or career, to raise kids on your own, to pay bills, to get out of debt, and a plethora of other things. Another thing that I'm learning is that life never gets easier, but our ability to cope with life's disappointments and hardships get better as WE get better. As women, especially in this era, we need to be about our own business...if you know what I mean. If you can hold it down for yourself then you are officially certified AWESOME. Independence forces us to depend on ourselves and not on a man who may be physically, verbally, emotionally, and/or mentally abusive. In a marriage, both individuals should be in a position to where their mate can rely on the other person if needed. Someone can not rely on you if you're not a well grounded individual. Same thing applies as wives, if we need to rely on a husband. Which leads me to my next point...
Do not pacify a man with sex in order to make him stay with you. This never works 99% of the time (I'm pretty sure). Let's take it a little deeper. If you're with a man that has no job, no apartment or house, on top of a plethora of other things, giving him sex will NOT make him change, straighten up, or turn him into a man. He is still a boy. This does not apply if he is actively working to better his life, surroundings, and himself. My mother once told me that the definition of a man or woman is someone who produces more than what he or she consumes. Do not let him consume your body when he can not do for himself. If you do this, you will open up the possibility of conceiving. If he can not take care of himself, he will NOT be able to take care of a family. This is one of the major reasons why there is a high single parent household percentage within the Afr. American community. There are a lot of women who are reproducing with men who are still boys mentally and who are not mature enough or ready to take the position and guardianship of being a parent. More often than not, there are red flags associated with these types of behaviors.
Last but not least, learn how to be content as a single person. I am continuing to learn this as well. It seems as though that everyone and the whole entire world is focused on couples, hooking up, getting married, and there's not enough emphasis on just being us as individuals. Society equates being alone as loneliness. Thus if you're alone, then you're lonely, and if you're lonely then you'll have a less fulfilling life. Wrong! We, as women, are programmed to crave companionship and affection. That is just the way we're wired (blame nature) of course some women more than others. And for us who've had sex, we also crave sex! Take it from me, as a single woman who is celibate; whose had sex before but has made the decision to wait. It's freakin' hard. I get it (I'm with you). But if we don't take this season as single women to get to know more about ourselves and what we want out of life, then how are we going to be a benefit to being in anyone else's life? Loneliness is a state of mind, where as "alone" means a person who is aware of his/her own physical presence. Aware---meaning that we are not blind or fleeing from ourselves, but embracing ourselves because we are all that we got. I know it's hard, and loneliness does creep in from time to time and that's ok. We're human. If we didn't have these emotions, we would be mindless machines that can be easily mimicked and controlled. Individuality is so unique and beautiful. Singleness and/or celibacy is a time to reflect on your own life journey. And trust me, that in itself is a huge task.
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