I'm Revealing This...

I usually try my best to be transparent with my thoughts and feelings about what I'm going through and what I'm thinking about. However, I often wonder if I'm being too transparent to the point of revealing too much of myself that can later be backfired. I rather not think about that. Instead, I'll focus on the positive affects of my transparency in order to let other individuals know that they are not alone in feeling lost, confused, pain, or just flat out depressed.

Transparency #1: Some days, I just don't feel "good" enough.

I am black and I am a woman. However, there is little to stop me in achieving anything that I want to achieve in 2012. Still, I feel like I'm letting myself down in areas where I want to be excelling, especially in the sciences. Often times, I put pressure on myself to be the ambassador for the people who share my ethnicity (and gender) within my career path. No one else puts this pressure on me...but I do. Maybe I absorb subliminal messages or maybe I'm just being too critical. Either way, my heart breaks within my chest whenever I don't measure up to my or other people's expectations. Thus this leaves me with a feeling of inadequacy and I question why I've even made it to graduate school or why I'm at this season in my life. Intellectually, I know that there is greatness in me, but I find that there are days where staying motivated and believing in myself is a challenge. I fight through this the best way I know how.

Transparency #2: I struggle with my past.

My childhood memories of teachers telling my parents that I'll never succeed past high school because I was "too dumb" or unteachable (to sum it up) gave me a permanent drive to make my parents proud (and myself proud as well). But I still carry that pain. I think about it and it haunts me. Even though I've made it well beyond what my teachers predicted back in elementary school, I still wonder if their words were true. I was also molested and became suicidal when I was 14, bullied throughout elementary, middle, and part of high school, verbally abused by one of my boyfriends when I was 18, became obsessed with my weight and weight loss as early as 10 or 11 (also tried and hoped to develop an eating disorder) and I've constantly suffered from low self-esteem and depression on and off throughout my whole life. Every thought and every fear that I have stems from what I've experienced in my past. One of my biggest wishes right now is for me to just let it go. It hinders my growth and my development into the woman that I desperately want to become. Sometimes, I feel like it's a part of my DNA to always feel incomplete or empty.

Transparency #3: I am angry at God.

I am angry at God because he created me. I don't hate my physical appearance, but I hate who I am on the inside. I feel like my heart is so broken that it is beyond repairable--even though I know that God can mend a lot of things. Actually, this may sound ridiculous but I doubt whether God can mend ME. Has he healed a lot of people's emotional wounds that derived from worse instances and life trials? Sure. It has been done. But maybe I am the exception. The only thing that I can do is ask for forgiveness and pray for a boundless JOY that is independent from my circumstances. All I want is to be free from all of this emotional pain. Admittedly, I have asked God many times to take me in my sleep or remove my soul from this earth because I just feel so unworthy to be living. I'm nobody special, or someone who has any real talent or desire to love Him/Her. But again, each day I try to fight the battles within my own head and push forward the best way I know how.

Today, I'll admit that I'm not the most positive person but indeed I DO have these feelings. Will these feelings eventually pass? Yes. Will they return? Most likely. Thus is the story of my life but am hoping that this pattern will change for the better. Next time, I'll post something a little happier.