I Fell: My Personal Struggle with Fornication

Okay, time to become transparent once again. Bottom line, I think I have a serious LUST issue. Then again, it may not be that serious but since it's affecting my mind, body, and spiritual life, I guess it has to be.   In my last blog entry, I was talking about my struggle on maintaining my celibacy. I was (and still am) struggling with sexual urges and thoughts. There's literally not a day when I don't think about sex. This is one of my biggest problem areas because it's starting to consume the spaces in my mind that I feel should be reserved for other things that will help me grow more intellectually and spiritually. In addition, I gave into my temptation to have sex 3 days ago. It was with a guy that I was talking to since September of last year and we went out on a couple of dates. Three nights ago, I invited him over with the intention of us just snacking on chips, talking, and listening to slow jams. Maybe the choice in music wasn't such a good idea. Maybe inviting him over wasn't such a good idea, either! Period! Especially when it was that late in the evening (11:30 pm to be exact). During that weekend, I promised him a movie outing but we didn't get around to it. To make it up to him, I came up with the bright idea of him coming over to my place for the first time.

Well, of course one thing led to the another. I think subconsciously, I wanted it. I missed having my body touched and kissed on. I missed having intercourse and I missed the way it made my body feel. And to top it off, I really didn't CARE about the guy I was with. All I really wanted was the physical pleasure of having sex. Honestly, I'm pretty sure he felt the same way. After the sex, I felt ashamed. My seven month journey of celibacy had come to an abrupt end, and now I was faced with the reality that I had given my body to another man that didn't love me (nor did I love him) nor was he legally my husband. The funny thing is, despite me saying that I wasn't really feeling this dude, I've already become obsessed on the most trivial things such as when he's going to call me, if he still likes me, and whether or not if he even wants to see me again. Being almost 24 years old, I am very familiar with how guys play "the game" (at least I like to think that I do). It's a very strong possibility that since I gave him sex, he's no longer interested in the chase. Thus, nine times out of ten he's moved on. And honestly, I'm trying really hard to convince myself that I've gotten what I wanted too and there's nothing else for me to do other than to move on as well. But a  large portion of me, quite naturally, doesn't want to do that because I'M AN EMOTIONAL WOMAN. I naturally want to be drawn closer to the man that I have become physically intimate with. It's instinctual and I know God has placed that desire in us women for a reason. But I did it wrong (again). That desire should not be directed towards my "boyfriend" or who I'm "dating" but it should be directed towards my husband. And since I'm not married, I really have no business being physically intimate with a man that God has not officially ordained to be my life partner, spiritual partner, and lover. Duh!!! I knew this already! So, why is it that I keep fornicating? Why did I end my celibacy only for me not to be completely satisfied in the end and to feel ashamed?

Apparently, my sexual desires (aside from it being just my body craving it) stem from a need to fill a void. Some days I feel inadequate on many levels and rather than confront any challenging issue, I'd rather think about, no, fantasize about being physically intimate with men. I don't literally live out the sex that's constantly playing in my mind. But as I continue to fantasize rather than remove those thoughts in my head, I start looking for the next "appropriate" opportunity to fulfill my physical desires such as finding someone to go steady with or at least "date" for a few months. Then that way, I wouldn't feel like I was being too free with my body. I would feel like that I was being selective. But the reality of it all is, I wasn't being selective. Being selective means waiting for God to reveal my mate while making no room for other men, even if claiming to go steady or courting. Obviously, I failed. And to be honest, I'm afraid of what it's going to take in order for me to shake that soul tie that I just made. Even as of now, I'm thinking about Juanita Bynum's old sermon "No More Sheets". The thought of me fasting, praying, digging deep, and allowing God to painfully peel away the impurities of my heart scares the crap out of me. I don't want to go through it because I know that it's going to be REALLY HARD. But if I'm truly willing to be purged into a virtuous woman, then I have no other choice. But still,  though I am forgiven by God (and I'm working on forgiving myself as well), the temptations and the sexual urges will not go away. But I believe that my spiritual thermometer will be high enough for me to overcome my current demons and I will continue to be worked on for as long as I live.

So, today is day 3 of my celibacy journey. Yes, I have to start my count again (unfortunately) but I'm starting to realize that celibacy is not only about how long someone can go without participating in any form of what's considered sexual immorality. It's also about one's mind and the condition of one's heart. So my prayer is, "God, please allow me to see that all I need is you and that you are the only one that can fill whatever void that needs to be filled within me. Please help me to be patient, wise, complete, and to be a virtuous woman inside and out. I am willing to be processed and tested in order for me to do your will for my life as a daughter of the Most High."

Amen.