Learning How to Allow God to Process Me

Today, I received a text from an ex saying that he is currently involved in a blossoming relationship with another woman. After reading it, my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach and then it began to race. My thoughts went straight to, "What do you mean? Why? What was wrong with ME? How could this happen? I thought you guys were just friends? I thought that I was the main lady in your life!" Then after a few seconds, I pulled myself back down to reality. We are ex's. Point blank. We already made the decision, long ago, to just remain friends. We are in two VERY distant and different geographical locations pursuing different avenues in our lives, but I was secretly holding on to him on an emotional level. And as much as it hurt, I had to let go and wish him and his lady well. He had served and finished whatever his purpose was for being in my life and I in his. 

Despite us no longer being romantically involved, much due to circumstances, we still talked to each other on the phone almost every day. He would still write me letters and I would send cards to his family. And even though the physical distance between us has expanded, a part of me was and is still connected to him. However, the harsh reality of life is that nothing lasts forever. Everything comes and goes at one point or another, even some friendships. Everything has to go through some sort of change and evolve either backwards or forwards. Even the universe itself is never constant. But the main point of this entry is, that I'm beginning to understand why heeding to God's wisdom is so important. 

I look back over the 24 years of life that I've experienced so far and think on a few bad choices that resulted in a few bad results. Now, it's becoming clearer to me that I could experience life in a more beautiful way if I choose to submit to God's direction instead of my own. This includes all aspects: My life path, relationships with people, the relationship with myself, etc.  This also requires me to surrender all control of the people who come and leave out of my life, circumstances (bad or good...to an extent. Because this is also dependent on the decisions that WE choose to make in our lives that either align with God's will or not), opportunities, etc. As a matter of fact, a part of me feels relieved to know that I don't have to steer myself through this life. Really, the only thing that I have to do is follow the path that God had already aligned for me to follow and to do the work or tasks that are required of me. When I think about it this way, life is more exciting. Though it doesn't take away any of the trials that I may experience in the future, I have the comfort in knowing that God will prepare me for any challenge that may come my way.

This leads me to the topic of becoming "processed" or allowing God to remove, add, break, build, clean, and re-shape me into what He/She had already planned for me to become. Right now, I am just a blue-print, but God still has to do work on me in order to get the final result. Then again, there may never be a "final" result because I will always be going though changes and evolving towards my higher self. And for some reason, I feel compelled to give up religion and to just focus on relationship. I will still join corporate worship services sometimes to be with other individuals who seek to learn more about God, but I want to learn how to distinguish God's voice from my own and to not be completely dependent on music and rituals. I want to feel God when I close my eyes and meditate in silence. I want to get to the point where I want to converse with God everyday and not only when things are going bad or not going my way. 

So, I said all that just to end this blog entry with these few words--God, have your way with the life that you've given me. I relinquish control. Amen.