God's Vision vs. My Vision

Today, I've collapsed into myself like a dying star. I blew out my own candle purposely. I stopped the motions of my mind in realization that those motions were not meant to occur anyway. I've cried a little today. Screamed at myself. Tore myself down verbally. Looked at myself in the mirror while getting dressed this morning and said "You are a too beautiful of a girl to be so unhappy."

Why am I unhappy? Why am I unmotivated? Why do I not have any passion for what I do anymore? Or was that passion even there to begin with? I realize that I have to be very careful on what I type on here, because I risk losing a couple of opportunities that I already have lined up. However, I just want to take one moment to just reflect and to ask God, "What is your plan for me?" I regret not asking this question sooner, because along this journey I have been only focused on what I originally thought was the right path for me. But along the way, it became clearer and clearer through my thoughts and through situations that the path I'm on isn't to please God, but it's to please me and maybe others around me. Today, I feel like spiraling downwards into a coma--an endless rest so that I may escape the reality that I'm in. I feel alone sometimes, even though consciously I know that this isn't true. I have plenty of people that I can call my friends. However, very few know me because I would refuse to show my secret to them. My secret is that I am lost.

This week has been a week of slow and unfinished work, failures, random absentees and fatigue (despite getting a sufficient amount of sleep the night before). I'm trying to get to the bottom of myself; literally reach beneath me and push up my spirits but to no avail. I feel nothing. Any other person would label this as laziness and an unwillingness to shake it off and keep it moving. However, what I'm feeling goes beyond laziness. What I'm feeling is emptiness. There is a void and this void eats at me every single day of my life. Even on my good days, in the back of my mind I'm asking myself "Do I really want this for myself? Do I really care about this? Is this where I'm ultimately called to do?" I have asked God to reveal his plan for me through a vision or a dream so that I can be absolutely sure of my life and/or where I need to take it. Even this is not guaranteed because God knows me better than I know myself. If God decides to not reveal what I seek in a dream or vision, then He will not. He may reveal it to me in another way, but either I am to stubborn to recognize it or I'm not opening up myself to be receptive enough to His voice; no matter where it may come from.

I am afraid.

I am afraid of losing my mind and losing the respect from those that I say I respect. This includes family  members. I think I've already lost the respect for myself in a couple of ways. I am afraid of losing my opportunities even though they could have been meant for another person if I had been true to myself from the beginning. I am afraid of experiencing other people's anger and disappointment. I am afraid.

But the only thing that I can ask God for now is wisdom and discernment (only two of my most weakest areas) and to alter my path that represents His plan; not mine. I am open to Him now and willing to do things His way. I'd rather live a far less extravagant life, yet be happy and fulfilled than  be successful in society's eyes and be miserable. I want God's vision for me and I will pray everyday for it. But until then, I guess I'll do what I can and must.