31 and Childless. Why Motherhood Scares Me.

I was 10 years old when I decided to not become a mother until age 30. By then I projected that I was going to have house, be married, and make a ton of money. Well, I'm 31. And I make a decent salary; not 6 figures but I'm financially comfortable. I'm still working on getting the house and the husband (that's another blog post).

I am 31 and childless by choice. Besides my personal beliefs and family upbringing that has influenced my decision up to this point, I am childless because I am terrified of motherhood. It was always a looming shadow above me during adolescence, as if it was expected of me to eventually give birth to offspring. Society was telling me "You're a girl. Of course you'll have children one day" but I don't particularly remember being absolutely thrilled about the thought of having children. Like...ever.

When I was 14, I excelled in school and was chosen to enroll in a day camp at the University of Maryland for future women engineers. I was sitting among my fellow, middle school aged peers in a small auditorium. We were powering light bulbs with lemon batteries and learning how to implement Newton's laws while designing different "roller coasters". One of the instructors got up in the middle of the auditorium and gleefully said "I'm an engineer, a teacher, and a mom. You all will be engineers and have families too!" I and the girl sitting next to me stared at each other and laughed. I distinctly remember saying "I'm never having kids!". School meant more to me. Having an exciting career that I absolutely loved meant more to me. Success meant more to me. Money meant more to me and I couldn't wait to one day manifest it all.

Even in college, I've dated men who wanted kids. One guy told me that I'd eventually change my mind. I stopped seeing him. As far as another guy that I was dating, I later told him that I had no interest in having children. Needless to say, he moved on. I was a sophomore in college, feeling sexually liberated for the first time, and still trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted for my future. Children were the furthest thing from my mind and I felt that it always would be.

Fast forward to today, I've been on countless dates between my early and mid twenties and have entered into a long term relationship. I've religiously used condoms during my dating era and plan b's when birth control wasn't in the picture. Even took pregnancy tests just to be certain that I wasn't pregnant if my period didn't come soon enough. Not to mention, having an irregular menstrual cycle never helped ease my anxiety at all.

Point 1: The thought of becoming pregnant, to me, is not a good trade off. 

Pregnancy looks painful. The entirety of it seems like gut wrenching torture mixed with only a pinprick of good times. What exactly is so blissfully attractive about going through nine whole months of having my body becoming gradually distorted and swollen to the point of puffy ankles and a bad back? And the vomiting. Some pregnant women don't at all. But some women are lucky to have Hyperemesis Gravidarum (extreme nausea and vomiting during pregnancy) everyday for the entire 9 months. What if my pregnancy causes me to become one of those "lucky" women? To chance it, I'd rather not. In fact, getting shot sounds better.

Maybe all of that plus going through the painful birthing process is a labor of love. And perhaps it's a love that's strong enough to want to do it again and again (like most women do). But to me, it doesn't sound worth it. There's not a large enough reward of oxytocin in the world.

Point 2: Motherhood never ends. It keeps going till death. Is that really something I want?

Once the kid is here. It's here. I would be stuck with the role of Mother for as long as I live (the exception being a closed adoption). No matter how tired, drained, sick, exhausted, stressed, depressed, or over worked I feel, I would still have to mother 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. It's absolute, endless mothering. No wonder society has to trick girls into wanting that role by giving us cute and innocent looking dolls and toys geared towards becoming and being maternal. It's utter brainwashing in my opinion. Otherwise, what reason would there be for us to continue the human race? In reality, it doesn't look fun. It isn't fun (for the most part). But society has to make it look fun, interesting, fulfilling, and even go as far as telling women that they're less valuable if they don't do it.

Point 3: What if I'm not exactly, "mother" material?

Here's is a hard truth that I'm willing to face now. Kids just aren't into me. I don't know how to make a baby laugh or let alone hold one properly. The first time I ever changed a diaper was a diabolical disaster. I am AWKWARD AS HELL around babies and kids. I don't really know how to talk to them, entertain them, be stern with them when need be. Maybe it's because I simply...don't have that magic with kids like a lot of people do (or at least it seems that way). I'm robotic. Stoic. Taciturn. Clueless. I wish I was different. I wish I knew how to be that woman who's the ideal future mom. However, I'm not. And to be perfectly honest, I still wonder to myself if that's just who I'm meant to be or if it's something that I have to get over.

Motherhood scares the living shit out of me. I've watched the women in my life do it and I've seen how thankless it is. Do I want to sign up for that? Or should I just stick to being child free and continue doing my own thing? However, as much as I'm feeling that I don't want that way of life, on some days I also feel like this is something that I do want to experience deep down. Having a nuclear family with  my future husband is something that I often think about. But is it something that I can realistically devote my all to? The answer...I have no idea.

When Checking out of Blackness... Means that You Can't.

These past couple of days have been overwhelming for me.

On top of getting ready to start a new job, re-organizing my personal life and priorities, patching things up with family, and trying to stay sane as a regular human being...here comes the more social media drama about what Kanye West said.

Here comes more news about another unarmed black man being shot by the police.
Here comes another crazy Waffle House story.
Here comes another Starbucks story.
Here comes another Alt Right march.
Here comes more news about black children being denied the right to wear their hair in braids or dreadlocks in school.
Here comes Donald Trump
Here comes black people defending black sexual predators because they're rich.
Here comes the Hebrew Israelites bashing black women and gay people.
Here comes the black feminists bashing all of patriarchy and black men.
Here comes the 40% statistic of black men being unable to find gainful employment.
Here comes another black documentary about the above said statistic and WHY
Here comes all the other statistics that come with being born poor AND black.
And so on...and so on...and so on...and so on...

These past couple of days, I just wanted the wheel to stop. I stepped away from social media and other media outlets for the most part. I feel myself getting agitated and depressed. There are honestly some days like today that I just want to take a break from being a "black" person. There are times when I just want to literally step away from this suit that every one sees as melanated skin, take a step back, and just take a long hiatus before putting my suit back on again. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting being a black person.

I hate having to think about how others may perceive me. I hate that blackness is always the topic of discussion and controversy within and outside of my community.  I hate that I always have to prove to myself and to others that I'm capable of doing anything that I set my mind to and that skin color doesn't have shit to do with IQ or intellectual ability. I hate all of the political drama that comes with blackness and having to explain myself EVERY TIME when someone of a different ethnicity asks me, "Why is there a Black History Month?". Being black means having to explain your very existence sometimes. As if you shouldn't even be here. Or that you're a mistake; a fluke that nature mysteriously allowed. And worst of all, BLACK PEOPLE TREAT OTHER BLACK PEOPLE THIS WAY but it's NEVER acknowledged. We will defend the predators and excuse the perpetrators of violence within our own communities, but absolutely refuse to support those that are trying to do the right thing. We perpetuate ignorance and superstition then claim to be "enlightened". Over 70% of black children are born out of wedlock. A high percentage of black babies are being aborted. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. 60% of black girls are molested before the age of 18. 33% of black males will be incarcerated before the age of 35. And I'm done.

Nobody wants to come up with any type of solution to our issues and the rest of the world damn sure isn't trying to either. I'm tired of thinking about it. But I have to. I'm tired of being black some days, but I need to be. Because that is what I am. I have to take the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. I have to look deep within myself and find strength every single day. Because being a part of a community that has been sick and fractured for centuries is not a cake walk. It feels like a curse most days. Some days, it feels like an embarrassment because black people on a collective level seem to not WANT to get themselves together. And it also feels like the rest of the world doesn't want us to either.

I love my skin. I love my hair texture. I love my African features. But I don't love our stigma. I don't love our pain. And I don't love being one of many carrying the burden of having to be a representation of an entire group of people. I just want to be an individual and to be judged as such. But I also have a responsibility. And that responsibility is to stay black, and to proudly display that within my work and life. Even if through occasional frustration and tears.

8 Hilarious Signs that You might be an Introvert

1. When you like food more than you like people...

2. Netflix and chill literally means Netflix and chill.

3. The thought of being alone never terrifies you but instantly gives you a tiny high. 

4. Talking hurts your soul. You'd rather do it only if it is absolutely necessary...like giving a presentation or a speech. 

5. If your circle of friends or social buddies is smaller than the size of an atom.

6. Sweet silence.

7. ...And sleep (enough said).

8. When you respond to a text message...3-5 days later. 

How Do We Raise Confident Black Children?

My boyfriend and I had a serious discussion recently about our possible, future children. They will obviously be black. They may or may not be born during the Trump presidency (depending on whether he gets a second term), and on top of being born into a society that largely de-humanizes them, they will also be born into a fractured black community that de-values them. Sadly, we both came to the conclusion that due to our current situation as a community, it would be best to raise our future child/children to be confident, self-assured individuals and to not focus on being seen as part of something that is apparently broken nearly beyond repair on a collective level. We decided to also raise our future child/children to remember the sacrifices that our ancestors and elders have made and to strive toward excellence as a repayment for those sacrifices.

Yes, there will be racism. Yes, there will be social obstacles and labels that people will place on them because of their skin color. But we hope to make them strong enough to navigate around that and to push through those negative messages because there are many examples of others who have done it before them. But how do we make them confident enough to do that? As much as I want to raise them in a vacuum, there is still television, social media, news outlets, and real life situations that will remind our future child/children of their misconceived inferiority as black people. There is also colorism in our community, violence, sexual abuse, hyper-masculinity, toxic feminism, fractured unity, mediocrity, mental illness, poverty, and an overall disrespect of things that have intrinsic value over monetary value (E.g materialism). How do we raise confident black children in between two worlds that feel like are against them?

I reflect on my own life and think about how I overcame such obstacles and are continuing to overcome them. I was written off at an early age by educators who said that I would become nothing. Fast forward, I overcame molestation, depression/suicidal tendencies, got my B.S in biochemistry, interned and worked at some of the top universities in the country, went to scientific meetings and conferences, written over 1000 poems, travelled internationally and across the country, I currently have a career working in the biotech industry, never turned to drugs or alcohol, never been to prison, and I'm in a healthy relationship with myself and with another person. Still, I am striving to be and to do more. How did I acquire confidence as a black person in this country and in this world? Though not perfect, how did I turn out to be a decent human being despite all of my previous obstacles?

The most straight forward answer that I can give and that I hope to pass down to my own child/children one day is this...Uniqueness and a belief that everyone is placed on this Earth to be great at something. Find your greatness and never let someone deter you from that journey as an individual. This is independent of social constructs and labels based upon skin color. No matter what society says, only you can determine your future. If others have done it before you, there is really no excuse. 

Turning 29 and Lessons That I Learned Throughout This Decade.

29 is here and I'm ecstatic at the level of maturity and mental strength that I've acquired throughout the past decade. To celebrate my journey, here are 10 lessons that I've learned as I reach towards the end of my twenties:

1. Be humble (In Kendrick Lamar's voice). Believe it or not, I'm still learning this. I'm learning to not portray myself as more than what I am and to remember my journey through life as just a journey, no matter what progress I may make in the future. Whether it be professionally, economically, or socially. Most critically, I'm continuing to learn not to readily judge others, but to judge myself only. Because EVERYBODY has skeletons and NOBODY is perfect. God knows, I'm not. 

2. Just do it.  I learned that seeking approval or guidance from others is human nature, but at the end of the day, I have to be the one to still make that major life decision and live with those choices. I learned to just independently make a decision and make it with the understanding that I am the only one in control of my life, nobody else. And if I really want to do something,  I must weigh out my options, do the research, look at the pros and cons, seek a second opinion (if necessary) and just do it and not solely depend on other people's approval. 

3. Mental Health is Wealth. I historically have neglected my mental health during my adolescent years and early to mid twenties. There were times when I needed to speak to a therapist but imploded in on myself from a lack of self-love and care. I learned that on top of me being a flawed human being, I also need to take the time out to make sure that I am healthy mentally and emotionally. Therapy is good. Whether it is professional therapy or healthy self-therapy (journaling, exercise, spa day, etc).

4. Financial literacy matters. Emergency funds are important. Retirement is important. Multiple streams of income are important. Investing is important. CREDIT SCORES ARE IMPORTANT. I knew these things but failed to apply them to my life due to negligence and impulse. I am currently positioning myself better financially by reading books, listening to podcasts, and learning different ways to manage my money better. Though not all the way there, I am getting better at budgeting and managing my urges to buy things on impulse. And to keep my account from overdrafting (small victories).  

5. Shit happens. Though you are in control of most of the things in your life, there are some things that happen that are out of your control. I've learned to accept those things as they come and try to overcome them the best way I can. 

6. Failure is a teacher; not a life sentence. I look at failure as a teacher now rather than a tool that measures my intrinsic value as a person. If I fail at something, I analyze the reasoning behind my failure, learn from it, then I go at it again with a more mature mind or take a different approach. Overcoming a failure or at least not letting it define your life is always better than emotionally abusing yourself over it and never changing for the better. 

7. As an adult, you are responsible for your own self-esteem. No more putting up with people or situations that put me down to intentionally hurt or break me. I learned to differentiate between constructive criticism and emotional abuse. I'm still learning to encourage myself whenever I need encouragement, to affirm my uniqueness, inner beauty, outer beauty and intelligence. There is only one me and I am focusing on becoming the best version of myself only.

8. You never stop growing. There is no magical age number where you've suddenly figured life out in its entirety. There is always something that I'm improving on and there's always something that I have yet to find the answers to. 

9. Life isn't a race, it's a marathon. I've slowly began to realize that life isn't a race, but really a marathon. Life is about endurance more so than who can reach the finish line the fastest...whatever that finish line is. 

10. Relationships aren't easy. They take work. Even if it's the relationship you have with yourself. I learned that fairy tales are fairy tales. They don't exist. Real relationships take a lot of effort to maintain. It's a dirty job. The beautiful part is loving one another (or yourself) unconditionally and seeing how that alone can make that relationship stronger. 

Girl's Trip movie. C+ rating at best (my opinion)

This may be reaching, however, I caught some undertone things within this movie that disturbed me. Besides what I and others saw on the surface as far as the overall theme of the movie (which was for the most part, had a positive end message), I noticed that this movie also reinforced some negative and plaguing stereotypes about black women.

Stereotype #1:

Black women can be successful, but are still usually single (can't get a man or keep one), divorced, or in a dysfunctional relationship with a significant other (E.g: their spouse is a cheater, a bum, or abusive). In the movie, 2 out of the 4 friends were single, 1 was divorced, and 1 was in a dysfunctional relationship which ended in divorce.

Stereotype #2:

Black women are promiscuous and lack sexual discipline or the ability to use protection in order to avoid getting an unwanted pregnancy or STD.  In the movie, the "other" woman (who is black) who was sleeping with a married man, got pregnant KNOWING that she was having unprotected sex with a man that was supposed to be committed to his wife. Also in the movie, it was revealed that one of the friends had contracted clamidya (but she and her friends were ecstatic because she did not, in fact, contract an incurable infection such as herpes or HIV).

Stereotype #3:

Black women hate their natural hair and always wear weave to cover it up. 99% of the black women in this movie had on some type of European, Brazilian, or Asian weave, thus reinforcing the stereotype that African hair is inferior to straight hair and unattractive.

Stereotype #4:

Black women's biggest allies are not black men, which should be building, providing, and protecting them, but rather themselves or their other female comrades. On the surface level, there really isn't anything wrong with this. But I felt as if the movie was reduced down to a feministic theme. Nearly all the men in this movie were either sex objects or villains (with the exception of one...who was used as a knight in shining armor to one friend's disastrous end to a fake marriage).

Now, I understand that this movie was supposed to be a comedic relief. It was supposed to get a bunch of laughs about four women who are close friends, going on a trip and making lifetime memories. The film also touched on the importance of friendship, openness, honesty, and vulnerability. It largely is a movie about having fun and living life to the fullest with the ones who are closest to you. BUT, I also want us to keep in mind that with black people having an already F'd up image in society, we have to be VERY careful about what we project onto the screens for the world to see and reinforce certain stereotypes. It is in itself, a form of propaganda and black people, especially black women, can not afford to get their image tarnished even further. Even if it is a seemingly innocent comedy movie about four friends.

I got a couple of laughs out of this film. It was a decent comedy. But I was more disturbed by some of the reckless content (peeing on people, twerking and dry humping strangers, getting recklessly drunk, loud and outrageous in public...also scenes in the film).

A C+ at best...

We Need a Communal Hierarchy: More Older Men and Women Who "Act" like Elders

Can I be perfectly honest? I'm tired of seeing men and women in the street who are CLEARLY past their physical, youthful days trying to compete with the younger generation of girls/boys/men/women. I see women in their late 40s to early 50s, even some in their 60s, wearing mini skirts and tight shirts, showing off their mid section;  trying to dress like someone who has just hit puberty. And desperately (at least it seems like) trying to maintain what they perceive is "youthfulness" or hot/sexy. I can see that they're likely more concerned with trying to arouse the nearest man rather than be an active role model, grandmother, mother figure, educator, or mentor.

I also see men, in which probably half of them need canes, try to walk up to me and other women, cat calling and flirting. These men are in their 50s and 60s, still trying to chase the nearest hour glass figure or biggest butt. Even if the girl is underage. Sadly in many cases, they have children and grandchildren of their own. But they are too comfortable preying and chasing women who are half their age like dogs in a continuous, eternal cycle of estrus.

In addition, the media is putting a heavier spotlight where school teachers who are having sexual relations with their students. These instructors (male and female) are as old as in there 40s and the students as young as 13.

This is beginning to be a little too much...

We already live in a overly sexualized society where literally almost everything is about sex. It is entrenched in our culture and it is so deep, that it seems to be the only way to think, express, and to live. Sex itself, is not the issue. It is the lack of boundaries that become the issue, ESPECIALLY in the black community. Right now, we have a generation of young people who are confused and hungry for guidance that most of the older people in our community are not providing (based off of my own observations). Staying "young, wild, and free" is the definition of this new era where both the young and the old are striving to be and to stay.

But with age, wisdom is supposed to be acquired. How old do you have to be to know that acquiring assets and building wealth is more important than "turning up" every weekend? How long does it take to realize that eventually, your body will break down and the only thing that matters is who you are as a person and the legacy that you leave? How much life experience does it take to know that a woman is not a "bitch", a man is not a "nigga", and not every young person's vagina/penis is supposed to be dipped and dabbed by you???

Excuse me for being a little sensitive about this topic, but we ARE in desperate need of a communal hierarchy. Elders are at the top, young people are at the bottom. But the two should collaborate, set strict boundaries, yet respect each other. To be an elder means to be a person of high regard and respect. To be an elder means to give social, spiritual, emotional, and economic guidance and support within the community. Since elders have lived more of life and experienced more of life, they deserve the role of being the communal leaders. But you can't be a leader and try to compete with those who obviously are in need of guidance, i.e the youth.

Let's stop trying to be like the adolescent kids and more like those who can be leaders and positive role models. It is a powerful thing to be considered an influence. It takes a village to produce a strong community. But if the village is corrupt, what kind of generation will be produced next?